Recently I did a lot of glass etching for Christmas gifts. I still have a few to give away, that reminds me... anywho, I did one for someone that had Tux on it, and I was looking for something funny to put on the other side. I found so many that cracked me up, so I figured I would share them here. I couldn't put some of the longer ones on the glass, so I ended up using "I'm not anti-social, I'm just not user friendly." LOL! This will be long, feel free to skip if you don't get them. There might even be some duplicates, I'm copying and pasting here people, I'm not patient enough to type them out! Have fun! ;)
My favorites are bold at the top:
Bad or corrupt header, go get a haircut
Windows 98 supports real multitasking – it can boot and crash simultaneously
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
Having soundcards is nice… having embedded sound in web pages is not
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
Hackers in hollywood movies are phenomenal. All they need to do is “c:> hack into fbi”
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."
Unix is user friendly…its just selective about who its friends are
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER
Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t
If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0
I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Hand over the calculator, friends don’t let friends derive drunk
I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
The box said ‘Requires Windows 95 or better’. So I installed LINUX
A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
Unix, DOS and Windows…the good, the bad and the ugly
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
C://dos
C://dos.run
run.dos.run
You know it’s love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!
Alcohol & calculus don’t mix. Never drink & derive
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button
It’s not bogus, it’s an IBM standard
Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!
The farther south you go, the more dollar stores there are
Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers
If you want a language that tries to lock up all the sharp objects and fire-making implements, use Pascal or Ada: the Nerf languages, harmless fun for children of all ages, and they won’t mar the furniture
COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning
LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses
The beginning of the programmer’s wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program
Squash one bug, you’ll see ten new bugs popping
Everytime i time i touch my code, i give birth to ten new bugs
boast = blogging is open & amiable sharing of thoughts
We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBO
Unrecognized input, get out of the class
Warning! Buffer overflow, close the tumbler !
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
Best file compression around: “rm *.*” = 100% compression
BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
I survived an NT installation
The name is Baud……James Baud
My new car runs at 56Kbps
Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
Cannot read data, leech the next boy’s paper? (Y/N)
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?
Windows: Just another pane in the glass
Who’s General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?
RAM disk is not an installation procedure
Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
The truth is out there…anybody got the URL?
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..
E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage
Help! I’m modeming… and I can’t hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue
Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Mouse not attached. Please left click the ‘OK’ button to continue
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
Press every key to continue
Helpdesk: Sir if you see the blue screen, press any key to continue. Customer : hm.. just a min.. where’s that ‘any key’..
Idiot, Go ahead, make my data!
Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources
To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so
(001) Logical Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
Clinton:/> READ | PARSE | WRITE | DUMP >> MONIKA.SYS
Computers can never replace human stupidity
A typical Yahoo! inbox : Inbox(0), Junk(9855210)
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
Bugs come in through open Windows
Penguins love cold, they wont survive the sun
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
Bell Labs Unix — Reach out and grep someone.
To err is human…to really foul up requires the root password.
Invalid password : Please enter the correct password to (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
FUBAR – where Geeks go for a drink
I degaussed my girlfriend and I’m just not attracted to her anymore
Scandisk : Found 2 bad sectors. Please enter a new HD to continue scanning
Black holes are where God divided by zero
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
Thank god, my baby just compiled
Yes! My code compiled, and my wife just produced the output
Zap! And there was the blue screen !
Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost
MailerD(a)emon: You just received 9133547 spam. (O)pen all, (R)ead one by one, (C)heck for more spam
A: Can you teach me how to use a computer? B: No. I just fix the machines, I don’t use them
PayPal: Your funds have been frozen for 668974 days
1-800-404 : The subscriber you are trying to call does not exist
1-800-403 : Access to that subscriber was denied
Error message: “Out of paper on drive D:”
If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I’d antialias my graphics!
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
“Mr. Worf, scan that ship.” “Aye Captain. 300 dpi?”
Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface
Shout onto a newsgroup : It echoes back flames and spam
Firewall : Intruder detected. (A)llow in (D)eactivate the firewall
Real programmers can write assembly code in any language
Warning! Perl script detected! (K)ill it , (D)eactivate it
Firewall : Do you want to place a motion detector on port 80 ?
Helpdesk: Sir, please refill your ink catridges Customer : Where can i download that?
All computers run at the same speed… with the power off
You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
Sorry, that username already exists. (O)verwrite it (C)ancel
Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet
Shut up, or i’ll flush you out
Cron : Enter cron command Now enter the number of minutes in an hour
We are experiencing system trouble — do not adjust your terminal
You have successfully hacked in, Welcome to the FBI mainframes.
I’m sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway
Webhost livehelp: Sir you ran out of bandwidth, User: Where can I download that?
If Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don’t understand the question
My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half
You have received a new mail which is 195537 hours old
Yahoo! Mail: Your email was sent successfully. The email will delivered in 4 days and 8 hours
I’m sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998)
Ah, young webmaster… java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering
What color do you want that database?
C++ is a write-only language, once can write programs in C++, but I can’t read any of them
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code
earth is 98% full … please delete anyone you can
A typical yahoo chat room: “A has signed in, A has signed out, B has signed in, B has signed out, C has signed in, C has signed out..”
When someone says “I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done,” give him a lollipop
Warning! No processor found! Press any key to continue
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product
NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands
Warning! Kernel crashed, Run for your lives !
NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
JavaScript: An authorizing language designed to make Netscape crash
How’s my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls – my PC speaker crashed NT
root:> Sorry, you entered the wrong password, the correct password is ‘a_49qwXk’
New linux package released. Please install on /dev/null
Quake and uptime do not like each other
Unix…best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038
As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria — Final Fantasy VIII
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft…and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor
Unix is the only virus with a command line interface
Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system
How are we supposed to hack your system if it’s always down!
God is real, unless declared integer
I’m tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker. What do they do for 40 hours a week?
Paypal : Please enter your credit card number to continue
It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions
Please help – firewall burnt down – lost packet – reward $$$
If Linux were a beer, it would be shipped in open barrels so that anybody could piss in it before delivery
Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle
Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
Norton: Incoming virus – (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
I had a dream… and there were 1’s and 0’s everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!
You sir, are an unknown USB device driver
C isn’t that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void
The following are some classic programming quotes:
We should forget about small efficiencies, say about 97% of the time: premature optimization is the root of all evil
C. A. R. Hoare
Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen
Edward V Berard
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.
Hofstadter’s Law
Some people, when confronted with a problem, think “I know, I’ll use regular expressions.” Now they have two problems
Jamie Zawinski
Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
Brian Kernighan
Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.
Bill Gates
PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.
Jon Ribbens
On two occasions I have been asked, ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.
Charles Babbage
Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.
Rick Osborne
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Rich Cook
I don’t care if it works on your machine! We are not shipping your machine!
Ovidiu Platon
I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to use as my telephone; my wish has come true because I can no longer figure out how to use my telephone.
Bjarne Stroustrup
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Mitch Ratcliffe
If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
E. W. Dijkstra
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC. As potential programmers, they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
E. W. Dijkstra
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they’re not.
Yoggi Berra
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
Perl – The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.
Keith Bostic
"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google."
"unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep" - my daily unix command list
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." - Robert Firth
"If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise."
"The more I C, the less I see."
"To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password."
"After Perl everything else is just assembly language."
"If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough."
"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."
"Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are."
"COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods."
“Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” — Michael Sinz
"There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't."
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - This is not humorous by itself; but in the context it's a classic by Bill Gates in 1981
Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
"Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer." - Erik Naggum
"Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell."
"SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it."
"Windows95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.
"People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'."
"I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly"
"A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"
"The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2."
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila"
"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d"
"To go forward, you must backup."
"I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code"
"A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting."
"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."
"Better to be a geek than an idiot."
"Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something."
"Geek's favorite pickup line: Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform? "
"Be nice to geeks when you're in school, you might end-up working for one when you grow-up."
"Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail."
"Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades."
"The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back."
"It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages."
"The box said 'Required Windows 95 or better'. So, I installed LINUX."
"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."
"once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary,
over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'.
While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
" 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"
quoth the server, 404."
"Mac users swear by their Mac,
PC users swear at their PC."
"Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."
"Dating a girl is just like writing software. Everything's going to work just fine in the testing lab (dating), but as soon as you have contract with a customer (marriage), then your program (life) is going to be facing new situations you never expected. You'll be forced to patch the code (admit you're wrong) and then the code (wife) will just end up all bloated and unmaintainable in the end."
"Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies." - Linus Torvalds
"There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don't, and those that confuse it with binary."
"If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime."
"It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa."
"I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'."
"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from."
"The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers). Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again. Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot."
"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."
"The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones."
"Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you."
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