School Supplies

Yes, I know it's been a long time since I've posted. And I'm okay with that. ;) But this I just couldn't pass up... What is UP with the school supply lists now? I went to Target with Kaden and felt like I was on a damn scavenger hunt for this weird stuff. And yes, we had to go to a second store too. (At least it wasn't four like the lady below...) Twistable crayons? Whatever happened to the regular crayons? You know, the ones that don't cost $5 per box, the ones that smell like back to school, the ones that we all know and love. NO, I couldn't get THOSE for my child, they are just not good enough right? I had to get plastic twistable crayons. And THEN the other mothers were buying the regular ones, but because your kid doesn't get to keep what he actually brought, it leaves me wondering if Kaden is going to enjoy those expensive damn crayons that I brought, or if some other kid is going to get them while Kaden gets the regular ones. WHY did I pay $5 for those?! And wipes? Seriously? And then you wonder what kind of wipes. Baby wipes? Anti-bacterial wipes?

Which brings to me to another point. Swine flu is all over the schools here right now. Which leads some people to use the Purell gel and other anti-bacterial products. Okay, whatever. But daycares can't use that stuff. Other kiddo places aren't allowed to use it - THERE ARE REASONS people, which I won't go into here. So WHY is it on the SCHOOL SUPPLY LIST at a public elementary school? Yes, I use it every once in awhile, but whatever happened to good old fashioned SOAP and WATER?

Okay I digress, read this, it made me laugh REALLY hard!

Dear Mrs. X:

In just over a week, you will be my son’s Grade 1 teacher. He is ever so excited to be under your tutelage. Why, since the last day of kindergarten, entering your class was all he could talk about. He gleefully thrust a piece of paper into my hand on that June afternoon, and said, “Here’s a list of the stuff I need for school next September!”

And I have to admit, I, too, was excited. I’m a school supplies geek from way back. And so, in early August, I set out to buy the items you’d listed.

It was on my fourth store that the realization began to sink in.

You’re a crafty bitch, aren’t you?

This list was a thinly disguised test. Could I find the items, exactly as you’d prescribed? Because if not, my son would be That Kid, the one with the Problem Mother, Who Can’t Follow Directions.

For example, the glue sticks you requested. In the 40 gram size. Three of the little buggers. (What kind of massive, sticky project you’ve got planned for the first day of school that would require the students to bring all this glue, I cannot imagine.) But the 40 gram size doesn’t come in a convenient 3-pack. The /30 /gram size does. But clearly, those would be wildly inappropriate. So I got the individually priced 40’s, as per your instructions.

Another bit of fun was your request for 2 packs of 8 Crayola crayons (basic colors). The 24 packs, with their 24 /different /colors, sat there, on sale. I could have purchased /three/ of the 24 packs for the price I had to pay for the 8 packs. (Clearly, you’ll not be teaching the youngsters any sort of economics lessons this year.) Even the cashier looked at me, as if to say, “Pardon me, ma’am, but are you slow?” as I purchased these non-bargain crayons. But that’s what the list said. And I was committed to following the list.

But the last item, well, now, you saved your malice up for that one, didn’t you? “8 mm ruled notebooks”, you asked for. Simple enough. Except the standard size is /seven /millimetres. One. Millimetre. Difference. Do you realize, Mrs. X., exactly how infinitesimal the difference between 7 mm ruling and 8 mm ruling is? Pretty small, I assure you. The thickness of a fingernail, approximately. But that millimetre, that small bit of nothingness, made me drive to four different stores, over the course of three sweaty August hours. And when I finally, finally found the last remaining 8 mm notebooks, I took no pleasure in my victory. I merely shifted my focus. To you, Mrs. X.

You wanna dance, lady? Let’s dance.

Because I am just batshit crazy enough to play your games. And, in turn, come up with some of my own.

On show and share day, my son will be bringing the video of his birth. It will be labelled, “Ben’s First Puppy.” Enjoy.

He will be given a list of words, and daily, he will ask you what they mean. Words such as, “pedophile”, “anti-semite”, and “skank”. Good luck with those.

At some point, you will attempt to teach him mathematics. And I’m quite sure that, like most of your ilk, you will require my son to “show his work”. And he will.

Through interpretive dance.

Because that is who you’ve chosen to tangle with, toots. A stay at home mom who is not entirely balanced, and has altogether too much time on her hands. But is, most certainly, A Mother Who Can Follow Directions.

Sincerely,

Ginny

BTW that email is from Emails From Crazy People. Hilarious site!